Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
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I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?