If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
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we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.