Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
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She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
Proofread twice, hang posters once
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You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
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I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“