Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
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Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.