there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
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EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.