Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
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* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.