Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
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Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register