7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
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Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story