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I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.