My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
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ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
“You’d better run, egg!”
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.