*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
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“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh