*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
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Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard