*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
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[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17