At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
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My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Is this the real life?
Is this just
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
The A string on my guit_r is flat
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”