Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
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How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
ibopfufen
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
time machine? you mean a clock?
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
cats when you pet them too long: