Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
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[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.