BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
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Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
i made a craigslist ad !
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy