Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
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The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm