The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
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Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
notice
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.