Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
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I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
me and the Superbowl rn
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.