me and the Superbowl rn
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At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.