My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
You Might Also Like
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.