By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
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Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week