Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
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Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.