If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
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where do you see yourself in five years?
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
LOOOOOOL
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.