Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
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I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
I’ve been learning to cook.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.