Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
You Might Also Like
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??