The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
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Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.