Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
“Why you watching this shit?”
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.