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The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time