Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
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*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.