Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
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My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Nomnomnomnom
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.