Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
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oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.