When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
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The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I’ve had relationships like this
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna