I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
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Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
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Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
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Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
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