@panmidwest Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
@seancehat [opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
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@panmidwest 
@SamGrittner People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
@leechee420 How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
@awkwardphilippe Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
@WheelTod My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
@CroweJam I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
@jimmytorosian Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
@CornOnTheGoblin “someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
@Anniewritess If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
@patcasey72 Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.