@seancehat

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

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@Fred_Delicious

Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament

@tarashoe

when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach

@NeighborGrumpy

3 – DAD! HEY DAD!

Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?

@doooiiiit

How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?

@spikeWilton67

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

@SaddestTiger

eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.

@noog

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

@carlyken

As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.

@GrowlyGrego

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.