@seancehat

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

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@panmidwest

Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?

@SamGrittner

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

@leechee420

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

@awkwardphilippe

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

@WheelTod

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

@CroweJam

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

@jimmytorosian

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

@CornOnTheGoblin

“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer

@Anniewritess

If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.

@patcasey72

Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.