[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
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I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
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[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
What an awful time to have common sense.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.