[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

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Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?


People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.


How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?


Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie


My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips


I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.


Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.


“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer


If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.


Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.