[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

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Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament


when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach



Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?


How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?


Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.


eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.


So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.


As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.


I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.