haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
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і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
What?
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
This is me
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house