Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
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why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
The internet is full of many things
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*