Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
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Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
“We will wed,” I threatened
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?