*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
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Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Lucky for them, they’re cute
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow