Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
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70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that