70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
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*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
is this store having a stroke wtf
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.