Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
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*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Meeeee too!
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter