You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
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I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.