I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
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I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.