Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
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7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Look at this
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Did…did a minotaur write this
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well