Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
You Might Also Like
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Wise advice
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Incredible customer service.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…