“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
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I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
😂😂
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.