“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
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Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit