In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
You Might Also Like
kevin is now a local weatherman
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no