A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
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“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.