Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
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[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes