Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
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Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
who will stop them
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.